Fucked Up Situation
by Garuda1178
Summary: "You have got to be shitting me." "Nope, good luck." "YOU MOTHERFUCKING DOUCHE BAG!"
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: So I've decided to branch out a little and try my hand at a Mass Effect self-insert. I had written this when I was still in Boot Camp and this is the first time that I could sit down and get it off paper and onto my computer. Hope yawl fuckers like it and shit, have fun.**

Recruit Training Command, Great Lakes Illinois, August 12, 2013, 7-1 Day of Training:

The first Monday after Battle Stations and Division 39

2 marches down the street towards the Navy Exchange. Having completed the last of their training and passing their final test, they have finally earned the privilege of trading in their Recruit Ball Caps and wearing the 8-Point cover. Though they have not gone through the graduation ceremony and are not officially graduated, they are now considered sailors.

One particular new sailor is especially happy Boot Camp is unofficially over. For him, Boot Camp has been neither too hard nor too easy; it has just been a long and arduous experience. Because of Battle Stations, Seaman Recruit Thomas Lovett will no longer be called Seaman Recruit; he will be called Airman. Not all that much better nor is it that much higher in rank than a Recruit, but it's the principal of the thing. Plus it's easier on the ears.

As they march towards the place known as 'Recruit Heaven', dark storm clouds begins to coalesce above them. Noticing them, the RPOC calls the Division to a halt and orders outer garments donned. As the Division goes about donning their Parkas, lightning can be seen flashing between the different clouds, creating interesting patterns in the sky. Suddenly a bolt of lightning streaks down from the sky and strikes Thomas. With a flash of light and a loud crash of thunder that leaves everyone's ears ringing, Thomas vanishes.

Eden Prime, 2183, outside the Space Port:

Amidst the death and destruction following the Geth attack, a stray lightning bolt strikes near the Space Port, frying a few Geth drones in the process. A man dressed in a uniform with a blue, black and gray digital camouflage pattern with a backpack in his hands tumbles onto the ground from a few feet in the air, causing the backpack to fall from his hands and his cover to fall from his head.

With a groan from the bruises he receives on impact, he quickly rises to his feet remaining in a crouched position. He does a quick scan of the area to locate any threats but when nothing pops out and instantly begins shooting at him, he stands to his full height. He searches and quickly locates his cover and backpack. He quickly puts the cover on his head and does a quick inventory of his backpack. He shakes his head at what he finds. His parka in the main pouch, nothing in the secondary pouch, his Recruit Notebook, two pens and his full canteen in the smallest pouch. He should have known that was all he had, but he had, apparently, just been transported by lightning; anything could have happened.

Now with his situation a little clearer to him, Thomas takes a look around the area he finds himself in. Strangely enough, the area he finds himself in is familiar to him, like a half-remembered dream. Pushing that thought away for the time being, he shoulders his backpack and begins walking towards the buildings in the distance. After a relatively short walk he finds himself at the ramp that led to the space port proper.

He starts getting a feeling that something very important is going to happen and it sends his senses to full alert. Now being especially watchful, he slowly and carefully makes his way up to the space port. When he crests the small man-made hill, he spots some…thing crouched behind some crates and what looked like another one standing out in the open a little ways in front of the first figure. Something clicks in the back of his mind and he's moving before he could even register what exactly had clicked.

The first figure pops out of cover and aims what looks like a rifle at the second but lowers it slightly in what might be surprise. They appear to have a short conversation and the second figure uses that to maneuver behind the first figure. He then raises a pistol to the back of the first figures head and that's when Thomas makes his appearance.

As the second figure starts to squeeze the trigger, Thomas slams into his back, knocking off his aim as he reflexively pulls the trigger, the round going wide. The first figure spins around shouldering his rifle as he did so only to lower it as he watches Thomas and the second figure wrestling on the ground.

They wrestle for a moment before the figure gains the upper hand, shoves Thomas off of him, and then shoots him in the shoulder as he makes a run for it. The first figure, getting over his shock, shoots back at the retreating figure but none of them have any effect on it. Most going wide or bouncing off the figure's shields.

As Thomas lies on the ground holding his bloody shoulder, the figure that remained turned around and he finally got a good look at him. That's when his 'half-remembered dream' came back full force. It was a Turian standing in front of him, and not just any old Turian, Nihles the SPECTR, who was pulling something from his utility belt and approaching him. Of course this was too much for Thomas's mind so he did the logical thing in that instance, became highly vocal.

"Oh fucking hells to the fucking no! That fucking shit did not just fucking happen!" he yelled. Even though the evidence has piled up in front of him, he still tries to deny what has happened to him. "I am NOT stuck on an alien planet by the name of Eden Prime, I am NOT going to be tended to by the Council SPECTR Nihles, and I most definitely did NOT get shot by that cunt sucking, dick fucking, ass licking mother fucker Saren!" he continued.

Nihles was speaking to him but he couldn't even begin to understand what the fuck he was saying, this only increased Thomas's ire. "Of fucking COURSE none of the aliens actually SPEAK fucking English. It's a program on the fucking Omni-Tool which of COURSE I don't fucking have." he said.

While Thomas was having his…fit Nihles had applied the Medi-Gel to his shoulder and it was already starting to slowly close. With that done Nihles stepped back and crossed his arms. Knowing that he was a SPECTR was one thing. The armor and weapons kinda gave it away, yet this guy had also known his name and the name of the other SPECTR, Saren. That made him rather…interested. How could this guy have known who they both were without meeting them first and even then according to most humans Turians all looked alike anyway.

Hearing footsteps he quickly drew his rifle and aimed at where the sound was coming from only to slowly lower it once he discovered that he had sighted on Commander Shepard. "Commander." he said nodding his head in greeting. "Nihles." she said nodding in return though her gaze was quickly captured by the man on the ground with the bloody shoulder. "Who's he?" she asked as she took a step forward. Something was oddly familiar about the man, well not the man himself but the clothes he wore.

"Don't know, name tag says Lovett and USENAVI." he replied. Shepard nodded then turned her head to look at Nihles "He say anything?" she asked. Nihles snorted "Other than a rather interesting combination of human expletives? Well he knew who I was." he replied. Shepard raised an eyebrow "And that's interesting because…?" she asked trailing off. "I've never met this guy before in my life, and he called me by name." he answered. Shepard nodded and turned her attention back to the man, Lovett. "Chief!" she called over her shoulder.

As all this was happening, Thomas hadn't taken his eyes off of the Commander since she had shown up. It was as if the very Gods themselves were fucking with him. She looked exactly like he had had her depicted in his game, well the face anyway. High cheek bones, full lips, silvery-blue eyes, and blue-black hair that fell to just below the jaw line with a slightly pale complexion. The first thing that came to mind was that Bioware hadn't done her justice. The second was that they had gotten her body shape wrong, if the size of her chest plate was any indication. That's when he noticed the other woman come jogging up all dressed up in her white and pink armor that had always made him shake his head in exasperation.

"This one of yours?" Shepard asked as soon as Ashley was within talking distance rather than shouting distance. Ashley took a look at Thomas and shook her head "Never seen him before Ma'am, not even around the colony." she confirmed. She instantly became suspicious as what she said registered with her. "If he wasn't here originally then how did he get here?" Shepard asked. "My thoughts exactly Ma'am." she said as she raised her rifle. Nihles was about to defend Thomas but Thomas spoke first.

"Oi do I not get a say in this shit?" he asked. "Not if I have anything to say about it." Ashley replied. He turned his attention to her "Oh cool your jets pinky, you people would be in some serious hurt if it wasn't for me." he said. Ashley bristled at his comment and was about to retort when Nihles stepped in. "He's actually right, if it wasn't for him you would have found a corpse here rather than the two of us." he said. Ashley didn't say anything and let the matter drop though she was still fuming a little so she left to join Kaiden at the perimeter.

"Great now that the alien hating stuck up bitch is out of the way, let's see what I can dredge up about you." Thomas said turning his attention back to Shepard. She turned her head away from where Ashley had disappeared to and settled her attention on Thomas. "Commander Ardella Shepard, rank N7, three possible backgrounds with three possible careers. Earthborn, you never knew your parents, you grew up on the streets where out of necessity you joined the anti-alien gang known as the Reds. After a short stint with those douche bags, you eventually left and joined the Alliance at 18. Colonist, only known survivor of the Batarian attack on the colony of Mindour. After the slavers were driven off by a passing Alliance Frigate and subsequently being rescued you joined the Alliance a few years later when you turned 18. Spacer, you spent all of your life in space, never really calling any one place home due to how often your parents changed duty stations. Having known the Alliance all your life, you decided to follow in your parents' footsteps and joined up when you turned 18." he paused for breath.

"War hero, you were on leave when Batarian slavers attacked the colony world of Elysium, earning a fuck-ton of medals, commendations and other shit for your heroic actions. Sole-Survivor, a mission went south when you and your team were attacked by a group of Thresher Maws. You were the only survivor out of your team and you spent an ass-load of time in an extreme survival situation. And one other one that I can't quite remember but basically you go in, get the mission done, get out and fuck the collateral damage. As far as you're concerned, those stupid ass civilians shouldn't have been there in the first fucking place. Then of course there's any number of combinations of those three and if I'm reading your face correctly there is a combination." he stopped, took a breath and looked at Shepard expectantly.

Shepard's slightly pale face was ghostly white and she was shaking where she stood. Nihles was speechless, every bit of what Thomas had just said was highly classified information known only to a very select few. He had only recently been allowed to see Shepard's file because he was going to be her SPECTR mentor and even then some of the file had still been blacked out.

Shepard's mind was a mess, somehow, someway this guy had access to information that only the highest ranked people in the Alliance should have. Then she had a thought, if he knew this, then what other classified information did he know? She was moving before the thought had fully formed in her head. Shepard grabbed Thomas by the front of his uniform and hauled him to his feet, dismissing his grunt of pain. "What else do you know?!" she yelled into his face. Thomas would have replied but his still very raw shoulder had him gritting his teeth in pain.

Noticing this as well as knowing that they needed to get back to the mission, Kaiden stepped forward. "Commander, as much as I want to find out what else this guy knows we have bigger problems." he said as he set his hands on hers and slowly lowers them. Shepard turned to Kaiden "We can't just let him go. Not with the information he's probably carrying." she said. "We won't Commander, we'll bring him with us and as soon as we get back to the ship you can pump him for information to your heart's content." he said.

She shifted her gaze between Thomas and Kaiden for a short time before taking a deep breath and sighing. "All right, Chief!" she called releasing Thomas who dropped to the ground clutching his shoulder. "Yes Ma'am?" Ashley asked when she was close enough. "He doesn't leave your sight, he tries to run shoot out his knee." Shepard said never taking her eyes off of Thomas. "With pleasure Ma'am." she said with a tad bit too much enthusiasm.

Nihles had been observing the interaction with interest after he had gotten over his shock of this guy knowing more that he should have. He was still slightly disturbed by the amount and nature of the information though now that he thought back, his words had carried an odd tone. It almost sounded like a combination of desperation and fear, but why would they be present in his speech pattern like that?

A question for another time, at the moment they had a beacon to secure. Contemplating their next move, he watched out of the corner of his eye as Ashley moved forward toward Lovett. Noticing a certain gleam in her eye he watched her as she grabbed him by his wounded shoulder, purposely digging her fingers into the wound and hauled him to his feet despite his rather vocal protests.

"Fuck woman, she said shoot my knee out, not rip my shoulder open even more than it already is." he yelled. "Sorry." she said without a hint of apology in her voice. "That shoulder was closer." she continued with the barest hint of a self-satisfied smile. Thomas growled at her but before he could do anything Nihles stepped in. "Enough, save it until the mission's over, then you two are free to kill each other." he said.

Thomas snorted, turned toward the tram and started walking that way, Ashley following closely behind. Her rifle held in a position to easily bring to bear on either Geth or knee. Shepard followed and soon overtook the two and took the lead with Nihles and Kaiden taking up the rear.

**Author's Note: Well there you go, the first chapter of my Mass Effect Self-Insert. To be perfectly honest it's always fun to transcribe any self-created texts from one media form to another, in this case from paper to computer. What was probably a 1000+ words on paper turned into this 2600+ word monstrosity. So there it is damned if it ain't. Rate, review, love it, hate it all that bull shit. Bring it on. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Well chapter 2 and we continue with the Eden Prime arc. Most likely we'll get off of Eden Prime and get to the Normandy this chapter, if not well, there's always next chapter. So let's get this freak show on the road shall we?**

As they approached the tram, Nihles and Kaiden overtook Ashley and Lovett, putting a short distance between them. Kaiden looks back at the duo noticing that there is a slight trickle of fresh blood dripping down his wounded shoulder. He shifts his gaze to Ashley and shakes his head at her when he had her attention. She gave him an 'I don't know what you're talking about' look and shrug and returned to watching their six.

He turned back to Nihles, shaking his head in exasperation. "So…I seem to have missed the story on how Lovett was injured." he commented, both stating a fact and wanting to know what had happened to their newest member. Nihles turned his head back just enough to regard Kaiden and Thomas further beyond. "He saved my life." he said simply in response. Kaiden was taken aback, he looked back at Lovett in surprise and tried to imagine him somehow saving Nihles. "How'd he pull that off?" he asked.

Nihles sighed "I fell into a trap." he replied. Kaiden looked at Nihles in surprise but he spoke before Kaiden could say anything. "I was working my way up to the Space Port when I came across an old friend and fellow SPECTR, Saren. I let my guard down and allowed him to get behind me. Next thing I know I hear a shot being fired from behind me, I spin around ready to confront whatever had spooked Saren when I find him on the ground wrestling with Lovett. After a moment Saren shoves Lovett off of him, shoots him in the shoulder and makes a run for it. That's when my training kicked in and I fired back but it was too late, none of my rounds made any difference. I then applied Medi-Gel to his shoulder and that's when your group showed up." he explained panning his gaze on the lookout for more Geth.

Kaiden was about to say something but was cut off when his shields suddenly flared in protest. "CONTACT!" he yelled diving for cover as the rest of the group followed suit as Geth that had been hiding in the Tram broke cover and attacked. Ashley roughly shoved Thomas to the ground and got behind cover, taking pot shots at the Geth firing at them.

While all this was going on, Thomas noticed a trio of Geth approaching from the rear. He looked over his shoulder to tell someone about the threat, but everyone was focused on the Geth in front of them. Knowing he would only get someone killed if he broke their concentration, he made a snap decision. He grabbed the pistol off of Ashley's waist with his good arm, causing her to turn to him. She was about to say something but a spattering of rounds slamming into her cover forced her down and she returned fire.

He fumbled with the contraption for a moment cursing the bastard who had invented the collapsingness of the weapons before pushing a button and the damned thing unfolded into a pistol. Knowing he doesn't have much time and with only one good arm he took shaky aim at the first Geth. The blast slightly startled him as did the recoil, causing his aim to go wild and the round to go sailing into the distance.

The Geth he had fired at froze for a second and that was all he needed. Now knowing how the weapon would handle, he aimed again and popped off four rounds at the lead Geth. The first two splashed harmlessly against the shields, the third dropped them and the forth somehow managed to find itself in the central processing unit in the chest. At this point the other two had taken cover and began firing back at him. Thomas shifted to a different side of the crates he was behind which gave him a good angle on the Geth farthest from him. He quickly popped out and let loose a quartet of shots, the first three killing its shield while the fourth punched through the light bulb that was its head. It flailed for a moment before dropping to the ground, its silvery-bluish fluid that posed for blood pooling around it.

He ducked behind cover just as the other one swept its fire from the other corner to his. Knowing that the Geth was expecting him to appear from the other corner, he popped out in the center of the crate only to catch a chest full of rounds. Blown back by the force of the impacts he lays on the ground and counts the number of hits. One had passed through the right side of his chest and the wound was leaking bright pink blood, most likely it got a lung. The second had passed through his upper arm and if the white splinters in the wound was any indication it either chipped or shattered the bone. The third passed through his shoulder just under the collar bone.

Lying in a rapidly expanding pool of blood, he could only watch as the final Geth unit approached him. It was only a few moments before Geth was standing over him. It regarded him for a moment, tilting its head side to side. It was raising its rifle when it was brutally cut down by a hail of fire that came from Thomas's right. The Geth dropped out of sight and was replaced with the worried face of Shepard. She turned her head to the right and shouted something but Thomas couldn't make out what she was saying, he had begun to hear ringing in his ears.

Shepard was in her zone, that place she went where all emotion fled from her and she was solely focused on what she was doing. Her task? Save one Thomas Lovett. She knew logically that he would probably be fine after a generous application of Medi-Gel, but for a full recovery he would need the facilities on the Normandy, maybe even a stint in a hospital. "Shepard, as much as I would like to stay and tend to Lovett, we have to get to that beacon." Kaiden said. Shepard looked up from where she had just administered the Medi-Gel to his chest wound, it taking on a light purplish color when it mixed with the highly oxygenated blood that poured out of the wound.

She stared at Kaiden for a moment, then almost reluctantly she nodded. "We move in five minutes." she said, the authority in her voice clear. Kaiden nodded as did Ashley who gave Thomas an odd look before they both went off to stand guard. Shepard stood, stretched, then walked over and plopped herself on a rock where she could keep an eye on Thomas, pulling out her canteen and taking a swig as she did so. "That was a stupid thing he did." Shepard looked up into the face of Nihles who had spoken. She was about to lay into him but he continued speaking. "And one of the most daring, not many people, Human, Asari, Turian, or Salarian would willingly engage a hostile unarmored and unshielded. Especially with three-to-one odds." he said, impressed. Shepard nodded without saying anything while she stood. She walked over to Thomas and bent down. "Can you hear me?" she asked.

Thomas, whose vision had begun to swim but was slowly clearing, nodded toward her. "We have to move you, it's just a short distance to the Tram where you'll stay until the mission is complete." she said. Thomas could only nod again. Shepard nodded then motioned Kaiden and Ashley over. "Get him to the Tram, very back car, Nihles and I will cover you." she said. With a pair of quickly spoken aye, aye Ma'am's the two grabbed an arm apiece and as gently as possible hauled Thomas to his feet. He grunted in pain, but otherwise stayed quiet as they moved toward the tram.

Once they were all aboard, Shepard, Nihles, and Kaiden moved up to the front of the Tram to get it moving while Ashley stayed back with Thomas. They got the Tram moving and were soon off to the Space Port proper.

It was only about 15 minutes later, and they arrived to a hail of fire raining down on them from a bridge above them. Taking cover and shooting back, Kaiden noticed something that made his blood freeze. "BOMB!" he shouted, trying to be heard over the din of combat. Shepard tore her gaze from the bridge to where Kaiden was looking and sure enough there was a bomb sitting right next to the Tram. "Kaiden take care of the bomb we'll cover you." she said, as she Nihles and Ashley concentrated their fire on the Geth that were closest to them, driving them back under the assault. Kaiden set to the bomb with a will and soon it was disarmed, but he was dismayed when he picked up more radiation signatures.

"Commander I count at least three more bombs spread out over the Space Port." he said as the group stepped off the tram. "Alright, Kaiden needs cover while he disarms the bombs, let's give him that cover." Shepard said as she ran off taking point.

As the main group began their task of disarming the bombs, Thomas sat in the tram trying not to pass out from the pain. The Medi-Gel might help close the wound and provide pain relief for a time, but that was slowly wearing off. He looked around, trying to see through the haze the pain had placed over his eyes. They cleared a little bit and he recognized where he was. He was at the Space Port proper, Shepard was due to get the first of three visions and the knowledge of an entire race here.

Thomas contemplated just sitting there and letting this part play out, in reality it would be damn near suicidal to try and move with the severity of his injuries. Already hating himself, he grunted in pain and slowly pulled himself up to a slightly standing position. Once he got his bearings and his head stopped swimming, he slowly made his way off the tram and passed the bodies of Geth and disarmed bombs. He had just reached the balcony area where he could see the entire team in front of the Beacon. Once again his body acted on its own before he could tell it no.

Shepard was calling for a pickup with a medical team standing by, Kaiden was marveling at the working Prothean technology, Nihles was watching the perimeter though his gaze was constantly being drawn back to the Beacon and Ashley was approaching Shepard. Shepard nodded and replied in the affirmative then turned back to look at the Beacon when Ashley approached and engaged her in a conversation. That's where everything fell apart.

Kaiden was admiring the Beacon when it suddenly lit up with a green aura. He started then felt something trying to pull him toward the Beacon. Shepard noticed Kaiden's predicament and ran toward him, grabbing him as he was about to be pulled into the air and threw him out of the way. Shepard was about to be pulled into close proximity to the Beacon when she felt a pair of arms wrap around her and yank her away. After hitting the ground she looked up at the bloodied figure of Thomas who had been pulled into the air by the Beacon.

(A few minutes earlier) He knew he should leave well enough alone, he had already fucked with the time line by saving Nihles but he just couldn't. Maybe it was the thought that he would finally be doing something worthwhile; not that joining the Navy wasn't worthwhile, but he'd actually be able to make a noticeable difference somewhere. Whatever it was it flooded his body with adrenaline and he moved. He vaulted the guardrail, landing on the platform below with a sickening crack that almost sent him down but he was too hyped up to worry about a broken ankle. He was half-way to the beacon when Kaiden was pulled away by Shepard and he sped up; somehow finding a pocket of extra energy.

Thomas blurred past Kaiden and Ashley who were on the ground, latched onto Shepard and heaved her around though it caused his chest to burn horribly and his arms to scream in protest now that the adrenaline was wearing off. With no energy to try and fight the Beacon, he could do nothing as he was hauled into the air and had his mind raped. It was pure agony, as the images of the Reaper's destruction of the Protheans was burned into his head.

He couldn't take it anymore, the pain in his head, the pain in his chest, his ankle, his arms, he screamed. It was a soul shattering scream that tore from his lips as he felt all of the pain he had accumulated be multiplied by a thousand-fold. After a few seconds the Beacon exploded, sending Thomas to the ground where he, mercifully, was embraced by the cold nothing of unconsciousness.

**Author's Note: Well, that got interesting toward the end. In the original hand written text, Thomas's wounds weren't that serious. All three of them were flesh wounds, arms and shoulders. But when I started typing, well you see what happened, if you've read my Rosario-Halo cross you know I like to kick the shit out of my main character and well…you got a glimpse of that here. Don't worry I don't intend to kill him off, just get him a nice assortment of scars and shit. Well rate, review whatever it is you fucks do…holy shit I just made a rhyme. That is so cool, now if you have flames would you kindly roast yourself with them? Chow mother fuckers. **


End file.
